The ultimate non sequitur

Hi. I’m Frank, I’m the editor of the Hughson Chronicle and here’s my brand-new weekly blog. Here I’ll be talking off the record. “Off the record” normally means you’re telling me something I cannot print. I’m getting information I can use for research only or just FYI. And it’s usually stuff that’s damaging or insulting to whomever or whatever we’re talking about. That means we finally get to have fun! I’m going to tell you what I think and I want to know what you think. I want to know what you really think.

Off the record, why are inmates allowed to lift weights all day in our nation’s prisons? It doesn’t make sense to me. Many of these guys are tough enough as it is. Do we really want them so strong they can easily overpower three guards? As far as I know, some of the prisons have removed the weights and benches from their yards, citing safety reasons. But now when you watch the TV documentaries, you see the convicts lying beneath picnic tables, pushing the legs up like barbells. When not bulking up outside, they indulge in calisthenics in their cells. They take turns doing hundreds of pushups, dips, pull ups and the like, till they’re pumped up bigger than Barry Bonds.

Why not give them books to lift open instead? Knowledge is power and the more they read the stronger they’d get. Obviously, I’m not talking brute strength. What they really need is mental strength, the kind it takes to get through a job interview or an issue with your children. Like father, like son, but if a father knows a little more about child rearing than his father knew, his own son might not wind up in the pen.

If they must exercise, only running should be allowed. Basketball, baseball, handball and the like are also OK. Cardiovascular strength throughout the populations might even lower correctional hospital costs.

Sure, prison can be boring. But why should it be fun? It’s not supposed to be a health club. These guys get TV’s, stereos, food, medical benefits and even psychiatric evaluation. I know a lot of people that have never committed a crime who can’t afford all that. No wonder gang members can’t wait to get caught committing that crime and finally get “schooled.” “Schooled” isn’t a reference to the three R’s in this case. It’s more about getting into the big house so they can learn the latest criminal techniques. They practice pressure point combat on each other all day, for example. They’re mentored by guys with life sentences who run a vast network of violent crime from behind all that iron and concrete. It’s getting so their proud to end up at America’s most notorious correctional facilities. In their mind, all sorts of glory and status come along with it.

The lowest of their ilk are referred to as “rats” or “punks.” When I was a kid, a punk was someone who caused trouble. Now it’s someone who avoids trouble. A rat has always been a rat. Based on all the violence we hear about behind those walls, maybe a higher rodent population wouldn’t hurt. Maybe someone brave enough to call for guards when he sees three thugs beating the pulp out of a little guy wouldn’t be so bad. If half the guys behind bars who have a conscience did what people in a healthy society do (in other words, “Need help? Call police”) prisons might not cost so much.

Instead you see them scowling into the camera in those mug shots, as if they’re saying, “You got a problem with that?” Maybe if prison wasn’t so beneficial, educational and “cool” in their minds, they wouldn’t want to be there so bad. It’s just a thought.